Top One Hundred Facts

(Only facts with 50 or more votes count)

Rank Fact # of Votes Rating
Rank Fact # of Votes Rating
1 Jack Bauer once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn't escape and nearly drowned. 261 8.21
2 The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives. 867 7.66
3 Jack Bauer was once charged with attempted murder in Los Angeles County, but the judge dropped all charges because Jack Bauer never "attempts" murder. 79 7.51
4 Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes. 181 7.48
5 There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jack Bauer's right hand and Jack Bauer's left hand. 155 7.47
6 If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called "1". 114 7.46
7 If you are still verbally capable of telling Jack Bauer that he is hurting you, then trust me, he isn't. 60 7.45
8 It takes you 24 weeks just to watch what Jack Bauer does in a single day. 103 7.4
9 Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon. 237 7.32
10 Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction. 272 7.32
11 When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death. 322 7.26
12 Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt. 225 7.22
13 Jack Bauer once showed up late for work. CTU adjusted their clocks accordingly. 89 7.13
14 Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was. 582 7.11
15 When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer. 257 7.11
16 On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence. 219 7.1
17 If Jack Bauer gives you his word that you'll get your deal, then he really means it. Unless you killed David Palmer. Then you're fucked. 90 7.09
18 The only prerequisite to becoming a CTU security guard is being able to accept being rendered unconscious by Jack Bauer. 94 7.05
19 On Jack Bauer's Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents. 187 7.04
20 There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them. 206 7.03
21 Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It's because steroids are made from Jack Bauer. 163 7.01
22 Jack Bauer doesn't laugh in the face of danger; Jack Bauer is the face of danger. 145 6.99
23 Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live. 223 6.98
24 If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12". 1430 6.98
25 If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice. 4025 6.97
26 Jack Bauer quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off. 164 6.96
27 Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them." 612 6.96
28 If Jack Bauer was president, he would protect the secret service. 155 6.92
29 Torturing terrorists is like riding a bike. Jack Bauer never forgets. 138 6.91
30 When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload. 301 6.85
31 At Jack Bauer's funeral, there will be a eulogy, twenty-gun salute, and a squadron of F-14s flying over the procession. All of which will be performed by Jack Bauer. 87 6.85
32 There is a deeper reason that Kim will not forgive Jack. For years during her birthday and Christmas when Kim would look for presents Jack would just laugh to himself before finally telling her, "I give you my word." 451 6.84
33 The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition. 315 6.84
34 Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer. 2135 6.84
35 Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read Jack Bauer's mind. Now he's sitting in a wheel chair. 134 6.84
36 If a suspect mentions your name, while being interrogated by Jack Bauer, you have a 3.26% chance of surviving the next 3 hours. 107 6.83
37 Jack Bauer's sperm come in 9mm, .40, and 12 gauge slug. 88 6.83
38 Jack Bauer broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons. 116 6.83
39 When someone asked Jack Bauer if he was afraid of James Bond, he replied "What does 'afraid' mean?" 100 6.82
40 Jack Bauer doesn't have a refresh button on his web browser. All events take place in real time. 205 6.81
41 Gredanko cut off his own arm rather than face Jack Bauer again. The fact speaks for itself. 92 6.79
42 Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys. 3937 6.79
43 There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television. 912 6.79
44 Only Jack Bauer can singlehandedly start World War III between the Russians, Chinese and United States... over Audrey Raines. 74 6.78
45 Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic. 318 6.78
46 James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer was his instructor. 150 6.78
47 Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever. 350 6.78
48 Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone. 863 6.77
49 Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man. 3656 6.77
50 Jack once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a bitch. He proceeded to wrestle and aligator while talking to Chloe about schematics. 318 6.76
51 Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through. 402 6.76
52 Jack Bauer once acted as judge, jury, and executioner; but to save time he now just acts as executioner. 97 6.75
53 Jack Bauer has the heart of a terrorist. He keeps it in a jar on his desk. 262 6.75
54 You can tell how much Jack Bauer likes you by how far above your kneecap he shoots you. 90 6.74
55 There's one only shift when Jack Bauer works for CTU: the graveyard shift. 139 6.74
56 The Berlin Wall fell because Jack Bauer needed to get to the other side. 259 6.74
57 Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9% of germs. Jack Bauer can kill 100% of whatever the fuck he wants. 80 6.74
58 Jack Bauer can pronounce the name "Ahmed" however he fucking wants. 133 6.74
59 Backup calls for Jack Bauer. 100 6.73
60 When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back. 1782 6.72
61 When Jack learned that Audrey was killed in a car accident in China, one billion asians crapped their pants. 96 6.72
62 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight. 3685 6.72
63 If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef. 1786 6.72
64 When Jack Bauer was told smiling increases your face value, he said not speaking increases your life span. 84 6.71
65 Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas. 3173 6.7
66 When Jack Bauer says, "I don't know if I can do this anymore", the statement must be loosely translated as, "I can still rip off your head, I just don't know if I feel like I can shit down your neck at this time." 152 6.69
67 Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun. 941 6.69
68 When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade. 3894 6.67
69 ...and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here." 256 6.67
70 If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life. 3690 6.67
71 Jack Bauer was nominated for an Emmy for playing Kiefer Sutherland. 125 6.66
72 Jack Bauer let himself be drugged, beaten and captured inside a crate on a Chinese ship heading out of the USA with no way for help to find him. Now he has them right where we wants them. 369 6.65
73 Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. Jack Bauer would meanwhile do something important. 215 6.65
74 When Santa Claus asked Jack Bauer what he wanted for Christmas, he snapped his neck. No one interrogates Jack Bauer and gets away with it. 186 6.65
75 Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry. 422 6.64
76 Alex Trebek once asked Jack Bauer the question, "What's your idea of a perfect game show?" He replied with, "I'm the contestant and I ask the questions around here." Jeopardy was born at that moment. 84 6.64
77 Jack Bauer once went to the running of the bulls and chased the bulls. 66 6.64
78 If Jack Bauer needs backup, he looks in a mirror. 85 6.64
79 My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer. 359 6.64
80 Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants. 304 6.63
81 Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won. 3006 6.63
82 Mission Impossible is just another way of saying Mission Without Jack Bauer. 111 6.63
83 Chained to a chair, tortured, and with the threat of death hanging over him, Jack just wanted something to eat. 171 6.63
84 The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer. 597 6.62
85 Jack Bauer can torture you into giving up information you do not possess. 129 6.62
86 If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it. 479 6.62
87 Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you. 3283 6.62
88 Jack Bauer thinks the word mercy just means "quick interrogation." 212 6.62
89 After Season 6 of 24, the Chinese will be on the Endangered Species List. 258 6.62
90 It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed. 1148 6.61
91 When the president runs out of options he says: "Get me Jack Bauer, immediately." 106 6.61
92 On Jack's day off, he and Edgar would shoot hoops and get ice cream together. Later, they'd prank call Chloe, only to have her trace the call, call them back and tell them to "grow up". Good times... good times. 579 6.61
93 At last years Christmas party, Jack Bauer brought the punch. Nobody survived. 128 6.59
94 Jack Bauer arrested RoboCop. Think about that. 218 6.58
95 Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment. 411 6.58
96 Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first. 1044 6.57
97 Jack Bauer signs his autograph with bullets. So don't ask him to sign any part of your body. 140 6.56
98 "Jack Bauer Camp" makes "Guantanamo Bay" sound like a weekend retreat in the Hamptons. 201 6.56
99 When Christopher Henderson tried to shoot Jack, his gun was, in fact, loaded. The bullets were just too scared to come out. 319 6.56
100 The Supreme Court ruled unanimously that Jack Bauer's methods were "cruel and unusual punishment". The next day the Supreme Court had nine vacancies. 168 6.55


Random Jack Bauer Facts by chauzer; created December 5, 2005